10 REAL Reasons Why Barack Obama’s Presidential Limo Broke Down In Israel

When the entire government is broken and dysfunctional, it’s a miracle that the presidential limo lasted that long….

Earlier this week, President Barack Obama had arrived to Israel for an official visit, and his official presidential limousine had been delivered to Israel as well. However, just before Obama landed in Israel, the presidential limo malfunctioned and had to be towed. The official explanation for that unfortunate incident was that the driver filled the gas tank with the wrong type of fuel, but can we really trust the official versions? Of course, we can’t!  So, here are 10 REAL reasons why the presidential limousine broke down.

1)  As the limousine was passing through airport security before the flight to Israel, TSA confiscated all of the car’s motor oil and other liquids.

2)  The car was ok, but the Obama’s administration had to take it off the road when they couldn’t produce a long-form car title certificate demanded by Donald Trump.

3)  Republican Senate leader Mitch McConnell filibustered the brake line.

4)  Someone in Obama administration decided that it’s time for the car to use renewable energy, and filled the gas tank with the solar panels.

5)  The car had been modified for 2012 Barack Obama re-election campaign, and “Forward!” was the only direction it could go.

6)  Due to the budget sequestration, all engine belts had been tightened, and 8% of the engine’s parts have been cut.

7)  Someone slapped Romney/Ryan 2012 bumper sticker on the car, and it burned through the rear fender.

8)  As a condition of admitting the car into the country, Israeli Supreme Rabbinate circumcised the car’s exhaust pipe.

9)  Republicans, having failed to make Obama a one-term president, still managed to make Obama’s car a one-term presidential limo.

10)  The limousine was prepared for the overseas visit by the Carnival Cruise line.

Are there any car experts reading this? Any ideas why Obama’s car malfunctioned?

P.S. On a side note, a guest post I wrote for The Official How To Blog has been Freshly Pressed this week. I know some of you have seen it, but if you haven’t, please feel free to check it out: How To Write A Blog: 10 Obligatory Blog Posts Every Blogger Has To Write At Least Once.

10 Ways How Israel And Palestine Are Preparing For Barack Obama’s Visit

Somehow, all of Obama’s security, diplomats and supporting staff would have to fit in this tiny area.  (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Later this week, Barack Obama is scheduled to make his first official visit to Israel and Palestine.  Undoubtedly, both Palestinians and Israelis would be eager to make good impression on the American President.  Here are 10 ways how Israelis and Palestinians are preparing for Barack Obama’s visit.

1)  Israeli government will paint the houses and pull weeds along the planned route of Obama’s motorcade to show that millions of dollars in American military aid did not go to waste.

2)  To highlight the harshness of life under the Israeli occupation, Palestinian Authority will burn houses and plant weeds along the route of Obama’s motorcade.  This measure will also make Barack Obama feel more at home, because it should remind him of Detroit.

3)  Israelis will dig an underground tunnel from Tel Aviv to the capital of Palestinian Authority at Ramallah, so that Obama will not see any Jewish settlements while traveling through the West Bank.

4)  Palestinian Authority will prepare a petition for Obama Administration to put pressure on Israel to withdraw from all the illegal Jewish settlements, including Jerusalem, Haifa and Tel Aviv.

5)  In response, Israel’s Prime Minister Netanyahu will prepare a petition to Obama and United Nations, asking them to officially recognize Palestinian territories as a giant pain in the tuches.

6)  West Bank will welcome the American President with celebratory billboards greeting “Welcome Great American Satan!”, while HAMAS, which controls the Gaza strip, will welcome the distinguished guest by setting off a homemade rocket fireworks over the cities of southern Israel.

7)  Barack Obama’s trip will include a visit to the Western Wall, where he is expected to place a note in the wall with his prayers.  Per the guest’s request, a section of the Western Wall will be removed so that all 2000 pages of Obamacare could fit in.

8)  In response to Obama’s request that Israel returns to the pre-1967 borders, Israel will offer President Obama a tour of Israel from the 1967 border to the Mediterranean Sea.  The tour will be conducted as a walking tour and is expected to take two to three hours, including lunch.

9)  Palestinian Authority will complain to Obama about Israel not allowing 3G cell phone service in West Bank and and are expected to compare this to the Holocaust.  The comparison would be perfectly valid, because Nazis did not provide 3G coverage to Jews in concentration camps either.

10)  In honor of the esteemed American guest, the personnel at Tel Aviv’s Ben Gurion airport will comply with the recent TSA decision and will allow for small knives, golf clubs, and baseball bats to be carried onto Air Force One.

Guest Post: Ten Dumbest Things Gun Nuts Always Say

Reblogged from The Life of Kylie:

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From Guest Blogger, List of X

List of X's blog is "An Ostensibly Funny Commentary* of the Recent News and Events. 
(* warning! may not actually be funny or a commentary. Also, since I am not quite sure what "ostensibly" means, it might not be "ostensibly" either.)"

But believe me, List of X's commentary is funny, very funny, ostensibly or not.

Read more… 996 more words

I've never re-blogged anything to List of X, not even my own guest posts I write for other blogs, because I am trying to keep this blog true to the form I had accidentally chosen a couple of years ago. But this post I wrote for "The Life Of Kylie" blog is something I could have posted here. Though, if it weren't for Kylie's idea for the post, I would've never written it. And please check out the rest of her blog, too. Please check it out, and

10 Reasons Why Republicans Want To Sponsor The White House Tours.

White House (Photo credit: Tom Lohdan)

Last week, the White House made a decision to suspend the tours of the White House due to budget cuts. Predictably, this decision angered the Republicans, as does any other Obama’s decision. Though, unpredictably, several prominent Republicans, such as Sean Hannity and Donald Trump, actually offered to chip in with their own money to keep the White House tours going. Unfortunately, this amazing generosity did not extend to paying even a cent to prevent furloughs and layoffs of air traffic controllers, firefighters, and teachers. Here are 10 reasons why Republicans believe that preserving the White House tours is more important than education or defense.

1)  A tour is the only way a Republican can get into the White House now.

2)  The White House is the only federal building with the heat on after the budget cuts.

3)  Trump and Hannity still hold out a hope that while on a tour, some brave patriot will get a chance to rummage through Obama’s papers and will finally find his real birth certificate.

4)  Because unlike the furloughed teachers, the White House tour guides do not teach evolution, but a Republican-approved version of intelligent design theory, according to which the Founding Fathers created everything.

5)  To every Ronald Reagan devotee, closing White House feels like closing the Vatican feels to a Catholic.

6)  The Republicans want to obstruct Obama administration further by clogging the White House hallways with tourists.

7)  By sponsoring the tours, they could claim that it’s their own money that keeps the White House open for business.

8)  Donald Trump still hadn’t had a chance to see which carpets and drapes he would need for when he’s elected president.

9)  Since Obama Administration refused to rule out drone strikes on the American citizens even on the American soil, the White House suddenly became the safest place in the country.

10)  According to Republicans, running the tours should be the only function allowed to the Democrat-controlled executive branch.

10 Other Conservatives Who Aren’t Welcome At A Conservative Conference

The official position of CPAC organizers is that they could not fit Chris Christie at the conference (Photo credit: Marissa Babin)

This March, the Republican Party is organizing its annual Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC), which is a big annual gathering of conservatives, where they get together and make conservative speeches to each other and try to out-conservative each other. (I apologize for using word “conservative” so many times, though I’ve honestly tried to use it conservatively). Chris Christie, the Republican Governor of New Jersey, was a star of the last year’s CPAC. However, this year CPAC has not invited Christie to address the conference, citing his “limited future” with the party due to his less-than-conservative positions on Sandy relief and gun control. Here are 10 other prominent conservatives that CPAC organizers will not invite this year, with their brief explanations.

1)  Singer Ted Nugent:  ”He said that if Obama is re-elected, he’d be either dead or in jail. Either way, he won’t be able to make it.”

2)  Sarah Palin:  ”What if she starts talking, then quits her speech mid-sentence to go on a book tour or reality show?”

3)  Marco Rubio:  ”The only way we can have him is if we can keep him away from water bottles.  It was just easier not to invite him than hire TSA agents to confiscate all water bottles.”

4)  George W. Bush:  ”Who?”

5)  Allen West, an African American Tea Party politician:  “We already got Herman Cain. What do we need a second black man for?”

6)  Arnold Schwarzenegger:  ”He couldn’t make it this year, but said he’ll be back.”

7)  Mitt Romney:  ”Why do you keep bringing up these people that we have no idea who they are??”

8) Richard “Rape is a gift form God” Mourdock, a Senatorial candidate:  ”Though if he were to attend, his speech would have been a gift from God…”

9) Karl Rove:  ”We would have invited him, but he’s just too busy trying to win Ohio for Romney.”

10) Clint Eastwood:  ”With so many people that aren’t invited, there would just be too many empty chairs at CPAC to keep Eastwood from talking to them.”

10 Ways How Budget Cuts Will Affect Your Life

At least most of us are already aware that “Sequester” means “budget cuts” and NOT the first name of that actor who was in the Rocky and Rambo movies. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

As you may know, on March 1, 2013 the automatic budget cuts, known as “sequester” will take effect, unless Congress acts to repeal or delay them.  And since, as you may know, the words “Congress” and “act” don’t really belong in the same sentence, we all should start preparing for these imminent budget cuts right now.  Here 10 ways how sequester could affect your life.

1)  If you are buying meat at the supermarket, please note that due to reductions in the number of the food inspectors, there will now be even less beef in that horse meat the store has been selling you as “beef”.

2)  If you are flying commercial, get ready for longer lines at security checkpoints, because many TSA workers will be furloughed and will not have enough hands to properly grope everyone.  However, if you are not planning to fly, you should be even more careful since those furloughed TSA agents will now be roaming free out on the streets.

3)  Also, if you are still planning on flying, call ahead to the airport at your destination to make sure that not all air traffic dispatchers in that airport have been transferred to help out with the much more important job of confiscating the passengers’ water bottles.

4)  If you are receiving Medicare, please be advised that as of March 1st, instead of covering a knee replacement surgery, Medicare will only cover a knee replacement surgery replacement, also known as “a cane”.

5)  If you are a soldier fighting overseas, please know that the nation will care about you approximately 8.5% less.  Since it’s high time that the army becomes more self-sufficient, you’ll be required to take mandatory online courses to learn how to pillage and plunder with the help of drones.

6)  If you are in pre-school… You know what, if you are in pre-school and you are reading this, that’s pretty amazing for a pre-schooler!  Your parents must be so proud of you!  So good news for you then: you’ll get to spend more time with your parents, because there won’t be any more pre-school for you!

7)  If you are planning to visit a national park, please know that due to lack of funding the National Park Service will shut down the Old Faithful geyser in Yellowstone and 9 out of 13 Hawaiian volcanoes.

8)  If you are a gun owner, you can rest easy because the Homeland Security will not have the manpower to come to your house to confiscate your guns.  Of course, this wouldn’t have happened anyway but feel free to be grateful for the sequester.

9)  If you live in a tornado-prone area, you need to start preparing for a tornado right now.  Because of the cuts to the National Weather Service, this post could be the only warning you’re going to get.

10)  Due to personnel cuts, all Congressmen will have to go on extended break and all lawmaking activity will cease.  In other words, sequester will not affect Congress in any meaningful way.

10 Reactions To Pope Benedict XVI Resignation

Pope Benedict XVI is also expected to resign from his part-time job as a Santa Claus impersonator. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

This week, Pope Benedict XVI announced that he will resign the post as the head of the Catholic Church at the end of February, and God is expected to accept his resignation.   This is the first time in the last 600 years that a pope has resigned his post, and Pope Benedict’s decision prompted many different reactions, from elation (in Atheists) to disbelief (also in Atheists).  Here are 10 other reactions to the pope’s announcement.

1)  Vatican Press Secretary:  ”I would like to clarify that Pope Benedict is not ill and will only resign his position to spend more time with his family… Ooops!  Oh my… I wasn’t supposed to mention his family…”

2)  Mitt Romney:  ”I will take a lot of credit for Pope’s resignation.  Also, I hear that there will be an election for the new pope, so please donate to my new campaign, ‘Kneel with Romney for Better Vatican’.”

3)  BBC:  ”Catholic Church in Europe has been losing followers for a while, but so far this is the first defection of such a high profile.”

4)  Cardinal Angelo Scola:  ”Unfortunately, Pope Benedict has been sicker than we thought.  Just last week, he was heard to utter such delirious and incoherent nonsense about humans being descendants of apes and Earth having a shape of a sphere.”

5)  Pope’s Facebook page:  Pope Benedict changed status to “Single”.

6)  Americal Association of Pedophile Priests:  Though we are saddened to see His Holiness leave, let us remember that the herculean task of covering up child sex abuse demands a younger and more energetic leader.”

7)  Karl Rove:  ”I’m looking forward to working with Pope Benedict XVI to prepare him for 2016 presidential election.  As our internal polls show, our party would be very excited to have a white male Catholic candidate who is considerably more moderate than Rick Santorum.”

8)  List of X:  ”This list had became unbearably difficult to continue, and therefore I have regrettably decided to end it after just 8 items.  What, the Pope can quit early and I can’t?”