10 Ways How Apple Dodged Taxes On Its Profits

Apple Corporation logo after the IRS had taken a bite. Image via CrunchBase

This week, United States Senate held hearings to investigate how Apple, Inc. managed to shelter tens of billions of dollars in profits from the IRS, and pay only a relatively small amount in US taxes.  (According to unconfirmed reports, the Senate hearing was sponsored by Google, Inc.)  Since most Senators who had participated in the inquiry did not actually consider Apple’s tax-avoidance schemes illegal, it appears that the real purpose of the inquiry was not to punish Apple, but to learn from them.  So, here are 10 ways how Apple managed to avoid billions of dollars in taxes.

1)  Apple claimed 50 million iPhone and iPad users as dependents.

2)  Each time after sending a tax return to the IRS, three days later Apple would promise to the IRS that they will release a better and newer version of their tax return in just a few months.

3)  Apple’s accountants used little-known trick: if you hold Apple’s tax return in a certain way, it looks like there are no taxes due.

4)  After claiming $100 billion in research and development costs to design the iPhone, the company claimed another $100 billion in R&D cost for designing the iPhone that would be black.

5)  Also, the company deducted $10 billion in R&D expenses that were spent on the research aimed to find the most effective ways to avoid taxes.

6)  According to the official explanation, when Steve Jobs died, he took the company’s pin code for the bank account with him to his grave.

7)  Apple Corporation deducted the Green Pigs’ structures destroyed in the iPhone’s Angry Birds games as a real estate property loss.

8)  Citing its allegiance to the cause of low taxes as proof , Apple pretended to be a Tea Party group to get a designation as a tax-exempt organization.

9)  Claimed adoption credits on 500,000 Chinese workers who assemble iPhones and iPads. (Also, once the workers became adopted, Apple no longer had to pay them an actual salary, and could get away with just giving them a weekly allowance instead).

10)  Finally, every time an Apple gadget user makes a swiping motion on their iPad or iPhone, 1 cent of Apple’s profits gets transferred into an offshore tax haven. Well, don’t act so shocked now: if you had read your iPhone’s contract before accepting it, you’d have known that you’d be the one to bear full responsibility for sending the money offshore.

Sent from my Samsung Galaxy SIII

10 Reasons Why Republicans Keep Investigating The Benghazi Attack

House Oversight and Government Reform Chairman Darrell Issa, who is heading the congressional investigation against the administration, is demonstrating the official letter from the Publisher Clearing House sweepstakes as a proof that he may have already won.

Since September 11, 2012 attack on American consulate in Benghazi in which four Americans have died, the Republican party had made it their number one priority to investigate the attack in Libya and the suspected conspiracy cover-up by the Obama administration. Although, while preoccupied with Benghazi, the Republican still manage find the time to hold occasional votes to repeal Obamacare.  The investigation seemed to have found the second wind when several whistle-blowers from the State Department agreed to testify last week, but even these new witnesses haven’t added any new incriminating evidence against the Obama administration.  Essentially, their testimony sounded less like whistle-blowing and more like “pfffft”.  Still, the Benghazi investigation shows no signs of slowing down, and here are 10 reasons why it’s still going on.

1)  The Republicans hope that somewhere among the Benghazi e-mails, there is an e-mail from the president where Barack Obama is claiming to be an expert on Africa and attached his Kenyan birth certificate as proof.

2)  Since the investigators have found no actual evidence of a conspiracy, to them it looks as a clear sign of a successful cover-up.

3)  The ringleader of the investigation, Congressman Darrell Issa spent too much time in court as a defendant, and always dreamed of prosecuting somebody else.

4)  By trying to implicate Hillary Clinton and State department in the scandal, the Republicans are hoping to hurt Hillary Clinton’s chances in 2016 presidential election, and Chelsea Clinton’s chances in 2040.

5)  The Republicans are trying to ensure that this outrage* will never happen again. (* – Democratic presidency)

6)  The investigators have revealed locations of CIA bases during the investigation, so their real plan is to expose as many of covert overseas CIA’s facilities if possible, cripple CIA’s operations abroad, enable more terrorist acts against the Americans, and then blame it all on Obama.

7)  They are trying to prove that Republicans are merely looking for the truth, unlike those sleazy gun control advocates who would politicize the deaths of Americans for their own political gain.  And the Republicans won’t stop until they find the truth they like.

9)  Doing something else may end up creating jobs and help the Democrats.

10)  The Republican Party is attempting to prevent Barack Obama’s re-election in 2012. (Remember, the polls showing him as the winner of the election are still skewed and always will be).

Since the whole Benghazi affair is one giant cover up involving everyone in the Obama administration and anyone who ever voted for Democrats, I will do my part by covering up the reason number 8.

10 People Who Will No Longer Have Access To Nuclear Launch Codes

According to unconfirmed reports, this may have been one of the officers stripped of the authority to launch nuclear missiles.

Earlier this week, CNN reported that the United States Air Force made an extraordinary move of taking away the access to nuclear missile launch codes from 17 Air Force officers because of their poor performance and concerns that these launch codes may have been compromised.  The commander of the Air Force unit sent a harshly worded e-mail to his subordinates, criticizing them for their sloppiness in their work and for failing to protect the classified data, and in a highly ironic but rather predictable twist, that e-mail of course had been leaked to CNN.  (CNN didn’t post the full commander’s e-mail, but it probably reads a lot like that viral sorority girl e-mail, minus the profanity).  After such an embarrassment, the Air Force is taking the missile launch codes away from all the other people who shouldn’t have them.  So, here are 10 other people who will no longer have the nuclear launch codes in the future.

1)  Joe Biden:  Last year, he accidentally revealed the administration’s support for gay marriage, making Obama scramble to make it look like not an accident.  Imagine what Barack Obama would have to do if Joe Biden blurts out the nuclear launch code?

2)  George Bush, Jr.: The launch codes would be removed from George W. Bush’s Presidential library, where the ex-President had proudly displayed them as a proof that he really, really had them. Luckily, no one had actually visited Bush’s library and seen these codes, because Americans either dislike Bush, or never go to libraries.

3)  Harry Truman: Because of the additional scrutiny, Air Force audited their records and finally marked President Truman as deceased.

4)  Kim Jong Un:  He was identified as someone who shouldn’t even have access to a slingshot launch code.  However, it turned out that after his father Kim Chen Il’s death there was no one left in North Korea with the knowledge of their launch codes, and therefore all recent North Korean missile launches labeled as “tests” were purely accidental.

5)  Sara Palin:  She couldn’t remember the 4 digit launch code and had to write it on the palm of her hand.

6)  John Boehner:  Without the codes, he will no longer be able hold the entire world hostage when demanding more tax cuts for the rich, and would have to settle for holding hostage only the American economy.

7)  Justin Bieber:  Did you really think that 40 million people follow him on Twitter because they like his music?  Yeah, right.

8)  Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie: No one knows how they got these codes, but it was only because of their threats of nuclear annihilation that they were able to collect so many children from multiple defenseless countries.

9)  Whoever had the genius idea to create an oh-so-easy-to-remember launch code “1111″.

10)  Whoops…. Me.

10 Axioms Of The Conservative Scientific Wisdom

Congressman Lamar Smith, the author of the legislation, must have joined the Senate Science Committee under the impression that science is what he’ll be fighting there. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Several Republicans on the House Science Committee are planning to propose legislation that would require Congressional oversight of all scientific research sponsored by the National Science Foundation, which proves that there are federal regulations that Republicans can actually support.  This legislation, if passes, will put the Republican Party in the position to decide what is science and what isn’t, and it’s more or less common knowledge that many Republicans distrust the concepts and theories accepted by the consensus of scientific community.  But that’s not because Republicans don’t believe in science, it’s because many conservatives rely on a different, conservative science.  Here are 10 of the fundamental principles of the conservative science.

1)  Cosmology: “Universe was created in 6 days.”  True.  If God hadn’t been in such a rush to design, develop, and release the Universe by Sunday’s deadline, we as the end users wouldn’t have to deal with such a buggy and problem-ridden product.

2)  Climate: “There is no global warming”:  True, especially when it’s snowing outside.  And at all other times, get an AC!

3)  Natural Selection:  True: there is overwhelming evidence proving the theory of natural selection, of survival of the fittest and those adapting quickly to changing conditions, and annihilation of the weakest.   However, the concept is false outside of the free market.

4)  Solar Energy: “Solar energy is not a reliable power source”.  True: the Sun will explode in just a few billion years and therefore we can’t count on the solar energy to be there forever.

5)  Theory of Relativity:  True: everything is relative; any idea, such as tax increases or a health insurance mandate, is great or terrible only depending on which party proposes it.

6)  Arctic Ice:  “The ice is not melting”:  According to the oil companies which are the most reliable experts on the weather and ice levels, the ice is definitely not melting, but thanks to the constant expansion of the open water, they will soon be able to drill anywhere in the Arctic.

7)  Fossil Fuels:  “Coal is our future”.  True: in a few millions of years, our dead bodies will fossilize into coal and oil to be mined by the future Republican generations.

8)  Political science: “Government is the problem”.  True: just look at the House and Senate Republicans.

9)  Wind Power:  ”Wind Power is unreliable and we cannot trust it”.  True:  Wind consists of oxygen and nitrogen molecules, which may have flown in from Mexico, Middle East, or China.  These molecules cross our border without any papers, don’t speak our language, don’t follow our customs, and steal the jobs of American oil and gas industry workers.

10)  Civics: “USA is a Christian country, because all our Founding Fathers were Christian”.  True, and since all the Founding Fathers were white and male, the entire country is supposed to be white and male too.  Whoever disagrees can go transvaginal-ultrasound themselves.

10 Highlights Of George W. Bush Presidential Library

President George W. Bush, under the “Mission Accomplished” banner during the ceremony of breaking ground for the Presidential Library. (Image source: thepoliticalzealot.com)

This Thursday in Dallas, the George W. Bush Presidential Library and Museum is scheduled to hold a dedication ceremony, and will open to the public on May 1st. A Presidential Library, or, as President Bush refers to it, “the lie-berry”, is a traditional project of all recent presidents, and its purpose is to preserve the president’s legacy for the future generations. Here are 10 of the highlights of the George W. Bush Presidential Library exhibition that visitors definitely shouldn’t miss.

1)  An exhibit “Enemies of the State”, featuring photos of Osama bin Laden, Saddam Hussein, and the pretzel on which George W. Bush choked early in his first term.

2)  An empty room, set aside to display the weapons of mass destruction built by Saddam Hussein’s regime in Iraq, and which should be found any day now.

3)  An exhibit showcasing the George Bush’s gratitude to the voters who elected him president, namely, Supreme Court Justices Kennedy, O’Connor, Renquist, Scalia, and Thomas.

4)  At 1020 pages, the longest book in the library is a log of George W. Bush’s presidential vacations.

5)  An interactive table of conflicts in the Middle East. The visitors will be able to start their own conflict in a Middle Eastern country of their choice, just like the President did.

6)  The official results of 2000 Florida recount, as well as the actual results of 2000 Florida recount.

7)  The book “The Art of Puppeteering” by Dick Cheney, and George W. Bush’s coloring books on foreign policy.

8)  Exhibit tags, disclosing that approximately 30% of the collection had to be loaned from China.

9)  A bottom of the barrel, with multiple scratches made by President’s approval rating.

10)  Regular security sweeps of the premises to preserve George W. Bush’s “No Child Left Behind” legacy.

10 Reasons Why Senate Voted Against Background Check Bill

United States Senate, a subsidiary of the National Rifle Association (Photo credit: rpongsaj)

Yesterday, United States Senate failed to pass the law extending the background check requirement to most private gun sales. Although 85% to 90% of all Americans support universal background checks, and more than 50 Senators were in favor of passing the bill, a strong majority of 46 Senators defeated the bill. (According to the current Senate rules, 41 or more votes out of 100 constitute a majority). In response, visibly infuriated President Barack Obama held a press conference, calling out the National Rifle Association for “willful lies” and shaming Senators for their votes.  Here are 10 reasons why Senate voted down the background checks:

1)  These 46 Senators decided to go along with the NRA, because it’s usually not a good idea to antagonize a bunch of angry people with guns.

2)  Guns are very important to many Americans: in rural states, guns are a way of life. And, for about 30 thousand people every year, guns are also a way of death.

3)  These 46 Senators aren’t really opposed to all background checks. At least they looked favorably upon the checks handed out by the NRA in the background.

4)  Senators were concerned that if stronger background check requirement will stop criminals and mentally unstable people from buying firearms, the gun sales would plummet so much that the government will have to bail out the entire gun industry.

5)  They just wanted to see if they can finally get Obama to act like a stereotypical angry black man.

6)  The Senate decided that it’s time to educate the American citizens about the way the government really works, and finally get the voters to stop believing in the myth that they live in a democracy.

7)  Although the Constitution entitles us to life, liberty, and pursuit of happiness, Congress is working on a plan to cut entitlements, and right to life is one of those entitlements that they plan to cut.

8)  By defeating the background check bill, Senators tried to refute the NRA’s argument that Obama is trying to take away their guns.

9)  Believing that Obama was using gun violence victims as props in the gun control debate, the NRA used the Senators as props of their own.

10)  Although the current gun control debate has been spurred by Sandy Hook school mass shooting in which 20 children were killed, Senators don’t really care about children, because children do not vote. Especially when they’re dead.

10 Reasons Behind North Korea’s Aggressive Behavior

North Korea, while officially advising foreign diplomats to leave the country, continues to encourage the visits from foreign tour groups. The photo shows a group of North Korean citizens excitedly welcoming the foreign tourists with the signs roughly translated from Korean as “Welcome hostages!”

North Korea’s rhetoric, never exactly conciliatory, grew even more hostile in the recent weeks. The country’s leader Kim Jong Un has threatened to incinerate the United States and South Korea, asked foreign diplomats to leave the country, and moved the missile launchers closer to the coast. Last week, North Korea even posted threatening clips on YouTube, signaling that the hostility escalated to the whole new level. So what’s really behind North Korea’s aggressive behavior? Here are 10 possible reasons.

1)  The country’s attitude turned much more hawkish since Kim Jong Un appointed Dick Cheney as Vice Supreme Leader of North Korea.

2)  Bashar al-Assad asked Kim Jong Un for a friendly favor, one deranged dictator to another, to distract media attention while he’s trying to quietly get rid of those pesky Syrian rebels.

3)  This behavior is just North Korean version of March Madness.

4)  Kim Jong Un keeps visiting the army units and inspecting front lines, because he wants to delay as much as possible his inevitable return to the dreaded household chores at home.

5)  There is a severe food shortage in North Korea, and we all tend to act crankier when we are hungry.

6)  Kim Jong Un watched too much Fox News and became convinced that Obama is coming after him to take away his guns.

7)  North Korea is conducting military testing to test the patience of the United States and South Korea.

8)  Kim Jong Un is trying to score some free PR to help him land a guest spot on the Honey Boo Boo reality show.

9)  During his recent visit to North Korea, Dennis Rodman must have introduced Kim Jong Un to some powerful mind-altering stuff, probably coffee.

10)  Kim Jong Un is upset that US Department of State denied his green card application.