10 Reasons Why Eggs Are So Damn Expensive

If you have been to a supermarket trying to buy a carton of eggs, you must have noticed that eggs have gotten really expensive, double or triple the price a year ago. Eggs are so expensive that some people now think it’s spelled “eggspensive”. Many people are blaming inflation, but prices for most products didn’t go up nearly as much. Here are 10 real reasons why eggs are so freaking expensive.

Whole Foods will now carry eggs made out of 22 carat gold so that its organic free range eggs would seem somewhat affordable.

1) Some chickens have found better employment opportunities at Chick-Fil-A and KFC.

2) The supply chain crisis revealed that American chickens didn’t actually lay any eggs, but instead outsourced all of the egg-laying to chickens in China.

3) Too many birds did not survive the last bird flu pandemic because they did not trust the bird flu vaccines and in generally believed in a ridiculous conspiracy theory that humans all over the world are stealing and eating their eggs.

4) Chicken farms had faced a chick production crisis after roosters have learned about and appreciated the importance of consent.

5) The initiative to move from paper to digital did not work as well as expected with paper egg cartons.

7) It cost a lot of money to settle a major lawsuit on unauthorized use of a corporate brand name filed against chickens by Shell.

8) Progressive chickens were concerned about lack of diversity within eggs since eggs only contain yolks and whites.

9) Too many chickens had their nest eggs invested in crypto when it all crashed.

10) Hens worry about wars, pandemics, inflation and are simply not sure they want to bring another egg into this world.

Note, I do realize that the name said “10 reasons”, but number 6 was broken so I had to throw it away.

10 Reactions To Joe Biden’s Outrageous War On Gas Stoves

In the recent days, there have been a number of news stories incensed and furious about Democrats plotting to ban every gas stove in every kitchen in America. Apparently, there had been a study that indicated that burning natural gas emits toxins, carcinogens, and other pollution, and some mid-level administration official had called gas stoves a “hidden hazards” and suggested that Americans switch to electric stoves. So, obviously, to every rational person, this means an all-out war on all gas stoves. Here are 10 reactions to Biden’s brazen attack on our constitutional right to cook with gas.

Ah, the beautiful sweet-burning dinosaur farts that evil Democrats are trying to steal from us….

1) Fox News: “It is despicable that Biden administration is banning gas stoves! Governments should not have power to ban anything except maybe abortions… and Woke schoolbooks… and Muslim immigrants… and porn… and weed… and the IRS… and vaccine mandates… well… any of the things we don’t like, but they shouldn’t be allowed to ban anything we like!”

2) Environmental Protection Agency: “We have completed additional research on just how much toxic chemicals and carcinogens are released into the environment through the emissions of people, and we recommend a complete phaseout of people. Remember, we are not asking to ban people outright, only that any new houses built after 2050 do not contain people.”

3) National Refining Association (NRA): “Gas stoves aren’t the problem, it’s how people are using them is the problem, Remember, only a good guy with a gas stove can stop a bad guy with a gas stove.”

4) Whole Foods: “Is your family worried about all the toxins in the gas you use to cook? If so, Whole Foods now offers organic and 100% natural gas for just $21.99 + tax for a 6.2oz bottle!”

5) Marjorie Taylor Greene, a Republican intellectual: “It’s a lie that gas is dangerous! It’s totally safe, I’ve been inhaling gas a lot and turned out totally fine! They say, gas fires? You know full well they are caused by the Jewish space lasers! And without gas in our stoves, how can average Americans possibly sauté, flambé, soufflé, macramé or covfefe they’re food?”

6) Greta Thunberg, environmental activist: “This is great news! Cooking food with gas also heats up people’s kitchen and therefore causes global warming, so if we want to save our planet we have to all eat all our food frozen!”

7) Lucifer, underground religious activist: “Hell will freeze over before you humans ban gas! And I mean that Hell will literally freeze over if we can’t use gas to run our hellfires! Damn you all! Not only we don’t have electricity hooked up in Hell, but even if we did, electricity just doesn’t pack that perfect combination of heat and pollution!!”

8) Small Business Association: “A gas stove ban would be extremely damaging to small mom-and-pop businesses, especially ones like our most valued members ExxonMobil and Chevron.”

9) Ronna McDaniel, chairwoman of the Republican National Committee: “In the last election, Republican candidates have been very successful when they focused on the kitchen table issues. And what can be better described as a kitchen table issue than Democrats’ war on kitchen stoves? That is, of course, until Biden administration declares a war on kitchen tables.”

10) Lightham & Burnham Cremation Services: “Without high-temperature gas furnaces, we no longer be able to cremate bodies completely into ash, so once the ban takes effect, our clients will only have the options to order their loved ones either as well done or medium.”

10 Reasons Why Republicans Are Unable To Elect Speaker Of The House

As few of us may remember, among all the mockery of the supposed “red wave” and celebrations of a historically… umm, not too terrible midterm election for the Democratic party in power, the Republicans did manage to win the control of the House of Representatives in the 2022 midterm election. What the Republicans have not managed, however, is to actually elect a new Speaker of the House, since the Republican majority leader Kevin McCarthy, who was widely expected to become the new speaker, has already lost 8 9 10 11 speaker elections in the last three days so far (and might be in the process of losing yet another vote while you are reading this), mainly because a group of about 20 uber-conservative Republican representatives refuses to vote for McCarthy. In fact, McCarthy keeps coming second after the Democrats’ nominee Hakeem Jeffries. Here are 10 real reasons why the Republicans still can’t elect a new speaker.

Still-not-Speaker-of-the-House Kevin McCarthy trying to remember how many elections he has already lost this morning

1) This is all a part of a genius Republican plan to completely block Joe Biden’s communist agenda in the House of Representatives by holding nothing but speaker election votes until 2025.

2) The Republicans are waiting for mail-in votes from Mar-a-Lago to be counted.

3) The conservative holdouts are demanding too many concessions from McCarthy, such as committee assignments, free pizza for life, McCarthy’s first-born son, and, as specifically requested by Matt Gaetz, a first-born daughter.

4) Republicans ran on a promise of adding manufacturing jobs and can already brag about creating over 200 jobs in crisis manufacturing

5) Kevin McCarthy is still in talks with his lawyers over his plan to question the validity of the speaker election and declare himself the winner.

6) The Republicans are counting on the Democrats soon declaring that math racist so that winners of all future elections are longer going be determined by the racist math but by whichever group yells the loudest.

7) To Republicans, it doesn’t matter if their guy keeps losing, just as long as the black guy isn’t winning.

8) The Republicans are hoping that the country will eventually tire of all this incessant voting, and democracy in general, and will accept whoever first breaks into the Capitol and grabs a speaker’s podium, so instead of wasting time on rounding up the votes, McCarty is doing hours of training in wall climbing, sprinting, and breaking and entering.

9) Most Republicans voting against McCarthy belong to the Freedom Caucus, and to them “freedom” means freedom from having some guy telling them to vote for things, and, like, show up to work and stuff.

10) Republicans secretly wish Nancy Pelosi was back as the Speaker, just so they could continue to blame her for everything.

10 Exciting Facts About Trump Digital Trading Cards

Last week there was a surprise major announcement from former president Donald J Trump. Many people were upset that the “major announcement” turned out to be merely an ad for Trump-branded digital trading cards (also known as “NFT’s for those born after 1970, or “those newfangled electric abacus photographic thingamajigs” for those born before 1930). Those people are wrong and are traitors to America: here are 10 fund facts about these tremendously exciting cards, maybe in the history of ever.

1) The cards are non-fungible, meaning that Trump says they are real, yet they don’t actually exist in any perceptible form, kind of like Trump’s border wall, or Trump’s economic growth, or a value of a Trump University diploma.

2) The card price of $99 may seem steep, but it is all Joe Biden’s fault for making everything so expensive for the average Americans.

3) The set includes fun cards such as a Race Card (only comes in white) and a Get Out Of Jail card. (Since it’s a non-fungible card, it won’t actually stop you from going to a very fungible jail.)

4) Speaking of jails, certain eligible prisoners get a special low price of $98.99, just use a discount code JANUARY6!

5) These cards can function as a real cryptocurrency: you can sell it for more than you paid for it if you find someone dumber than you.

6) You can play so many games with these cards and have so much winning, so much winning, you’ll be tired of all this winning! The rules are simple, you play any game, and at the end just declare that you’ve won! If your opponent say no you didn’t, just say the results are invalid because of Hugo Chavez and Joe Biden and Dominion and mail-in voter fraud.

7) The cards are especially attractive to left-leaning investors since they could be sure that not a single dollar made from the sale of the cards would ever benefit any Republican election campaign.

8) The cards are 100% protected from a hack or theft because no one in their right mind would ever want to steal them.

9) For extra $199, you can buy paper versions of the cards printed on the paper made out of recycled classified documents! You can still read some Top Secret stuff on the back!

10) The cards show Donald Trump at various important points of his career: paying a porn star for sex, instigating an insurrection, grabbing a woman by the pussy as an astronaut, a cowboy, and a superhero.

If you are now interested in owning one of these cards, sadly, all the cards have sold out and you can’t buy them anymore from Trump. However, if you still want your own 100% original and genuine Trump trading card, right-click on the image on this post, click on Save Image, and then Venmo me $99.00 + $17.99 for shipping and handling.

10 New Exciting Features of Twitter After It Is Bought By Elon Musk

This week, Twitter had accepted Elon Musk’s offer to buy the company for $44 billion, because, apparently, freedom of speech isn’t free, and the best way to preserve the public’s freedom of speech is to put it under complete control of one private individual. Here are 10 brand-new features of Twitter we should expect thanks to Elon Musk’s buying the company.

1) When you edit your Twitter profile settings and make a mistake, there will not be a Cancel button, because Elon Musk is against the “cancel culture”

2) From now on, “they’re”, “there”, “their” can officially be used interchangeably on Twitter.

3) Phones with Elon Musk’s Twitter installed will only be able to charge they’re phones at Tesla’s Supercharger stations.

4) Twitter community standards will be removed for violating Elon Musk’s standards.

5) Maximum length of tweets will now be 420 characters, in reference to Musk’s favorite pot-related number.

6) Premium Twitter users will be able to utilize the Autopost feature (for only $249.99/month) that would automatically generate and post inane or outraged tweets. For safety reasons, the user would still need to physically hold there phone in they’re hand.

7) Elon Musk is planning to use his SpaceX program to integrate users from Mars, Saturn, and other planets. (Elon Musk’s PR release put special emphasis on Uranus.)

8) The entire system of following others will be scrapped and all followers of every account will be removed, because making people read only specific accounts goes against the spirit for free speech.

9) With expected return of Donald Trump to Twitter, every right-wing social media Twitter wannabe will go bankrupt.

10) There will finally be the “Edit” button. This button will allow Elon Musk to edit any of your tweets to make them about poop, pot, or boobs.

10 Reactions To What Has Happened In Afghanistan

Many Americans believe that the American forces should have remained in Afghanistan to prevent terrorists from using Afghanistan as a training base because many Americans are unaware of the existence of other countries in the world that terrorists could also use as a training base.
Image source: Task and Purpose

The last few day made it clear that the process of withdrawal of American military from Afghanistan has not been a success. (I’m not sure how the operation was called, but I think a fitting name would be a “Operation Premature Evacuation”). The 300,000-weak Afghan military collapsed in a matter of days, allowing Taliban to take over almost the entire country, including the capital. Thousands of desperate Afghans at Kabul airport are trying to catch the next flight – sometimes literally – to escape the Taliban. The finger pointing has already began, with Democrats blaming Trump for agreeing to withdraw the American forces and Republicans blaming Biden for the execution of the withdrawal. Here are 10 reactions to the Afghanistan debacle.

1) Any Republican politician: The way Biden handled this withdrawal is a disaster! All these poor people from Afghanistan who had helped our troops will now be killed by the Taliban, and Biden should have saved every single one of them and brought them all to the US. Then he needs to send all these Muslim savages back to Afghanistan cause they’re all terrorists!

2) Rohullah Ahamdzai, Afghan military spokesman: Our brave Afghan soldiers came disposed to face and defeat the Taliban. However, upon our forces’ unsettling discovery that Taliban militants are hastily advancing towards our audacious warriors, our fighters wisely chose the action of speedy and orderly retreat to maintain social distancing from the Taliban per the recent recommendations of the World Health Organization.

3) George W. Bush, former President: What is happening in Afghanistan is very sad. President Biden should have ended the war differently. How? No, I don’t know how. Leave me alone, look, I don’t know how to end wars, I only know how to start them!

4) David Copperfield, magician: I don’t know about the military or political stuff, but I know magic and the way Taliban made an army of 300,000 disappear in just one week is the most impressive magic trick I’ve ever seen.

5) United Airlines: We would like to volunteer several of our planes and our trained flight crews to help evacuate Afghan civilians. We are sure that this will immediately clear our the crowds at the Kabul airport, as many of those hoping for a flight out would surely decide to take their chances with the Taliban rather than fly United.

6) LGTBQIA2S+ Alliance: We are somewhat concerned about the rights of women in the Taliban-occupied Afghanistan. However, we believe that cisgendered women are comparatively more privileged compared to other even more oppressed minorities in Afghanistan and we will fight to ensure that Taliban allows wide access to gender-neutral outhouses to all transgender and gender-queer Afghans of color.

7) Donald Trump, former (if you believe the lying fake media) president: I had the best plan of withdrawal! According to my genius plan, Afghan army would immediately crush the Taliban, establish democracy, and build the most tremendous Trump Towers and luxury golf resort in Kabul!

8) International Olympic Committee: Like the rest of the world, we’ve been watching the events in Afghanistan as well and according to our officials the Afghan army soldiers broke every world and Olympic record on every distance while running from the Taliban!

9) Joe Biden, president: I did what now? What a bunch of malarkey! Really??? Crap. CRAP.

10) John Kirby, Pentagon spokesperson: Our most trusted intelligence assets on the ground in Afghanistan report that the withdrawal was a complete and unmitigated success.

10 Arguments Against Getting A Covid-19 Vaccine

Joe Biden is getting a COVID-19 vaccine shot into what is obviously a fake arm.

Once again, case counts for Covid-19 are rising, and although vaccines are widely available, a significant number of Americans are still refusing to get vaccinated. Although Biden administration, Tony Fauci, and a bunch of elitist doctors (like, what do they even know about medicining???) are trying to make us get vaccinated, there are plenty of legitimate arguments against getting the shot. Here are just some of them:

1)  “Donald Trump deserves the full credit for Covid-19 vaccines, and everyone knows that anything that Donald Trump deserves the full credit for – like Trump University, Trump casinos, Trump Steaks, Trump Vodka, Trump Presidency, and so on – is complete and utter crap.”

2)  “I am an introvert and I like it when everything is locked down and people stay away 6 feet from each other.”

3)  “I don’t trust the semi-approved, semi-tested vaccine made in America and would rather take my chances with totally unapproved and untested virus made in China.”

4)  “What about the long term effects? Like, really long term?  For example, I heard that the sun might explode in a billion years if we all get vaccinated.”

5)  “I don’t need a vaccine because I believe that God will protect me from the China Virus and at the same time I believe God isn’t powerful enough to protect me from the vaccine side effects.”

6)  “I am opposed to this socialist tyranny that requires everyone to get vaccinated. I think we will be safe when we reach herd immunity, and I think that other people should do all the work and take all the risks to get there while I do nothing and still get to reap the benefits of herd immunity, because that’s totally not socialist at all.”

7)  “None of the vaccines have received a full FDA approval, and I believe the government enough to get the vaccine that has a full approval from the government but not enough to get the vaccine that has an an emergency use approval from the same government.”

8)  “I don’t want to be a lab rat testing some sketchy drug in an experiment. I want to be a lab rat in the control group of the same experiment.”

9)  “Covid19 is not that deadly if you are young and healthy, and we all should be prepared to handle a small risk and remember that life isn’t 100% safe. So why should I take a vaccine that’s less than 100% safe?”

10)  “I have a medical condition that prevents me from getting a vaccine, wearing a mask, putting two and two together, and walking and chewing at the same time.”

10 Point Template For Expressing Outrage About Derek Chauvin Verdict

Yesterday, the trial of former Minneapolis police office Derek Chauvin, charged with murder and manslaughter in the death of George Floyd, ended with the jury finding Chauvin guilty on all counts. The decision was followed with a predictable outrage from the Blue Lives Matter/MAGA crowd, that made a lot of predictably similar comments all over Facebook and other social media. To simplify and streamline the expressions of outrage, I have created an easy-to-use 10-point outrage expression template that anybody can use by simply checking all applicable boxes.

I, (insert name), as a true American patriot, would like to express my outrage about the verdict that unjustly found former Officer Derek Chauvin guilty for killing the notorious criminal George Floyd, because…

1)   I believe George Floyd was actually killed not by Officer Chauvin but by

           □ Drug overdose     □ Hypertension     □ Covid-19 (even though it’s a liberal hoax)          □ Jewish Space Lasers 

2)   I believe that Blue Lives Matter

           □ Always     □ Unless they tell me to wear a mask     □ Except in that Avatar movie  

3)  I believe a police officer should have an unquestionable right to defend himself from

          □ Criminals     □ Black people     □ Handcuffed people lying on their stomach 

4)  I can easily prove that it is impossible to kill a healthy person with a knee placed on the neck by placing

          □ A 10 lb weight plate on a back     □ A hotdog on a bun   □ A nasty comment on a Facebook post

5)  Actually, I am willing to go as far as to place my own neck for 9 minutes 29 seconds under a knee of 

          □ A BLM member    □ An Antifa member      □ My Mom      □ My cat 

6)  I have arrived at my conclusion by carefully reviewing all the evidence presented by

         □ Fox News     □ Guy on Facebook     □ A very convincing voice in my head     □ My cat 

7)  I am able to determine the innocence or guilt of a person just by looking at a photo and judging by

        □ Type of uniform     □ Skin color     □ Position on the ground 

8)  I am confident that the jurors only found Officer Chauvin guilty because they were afraid of

          □ BLM      □ Joe Biden’s dog     □ Dr. Fauci      □ Jewish space lasers   

9)  Instead of punishing Officer Chauvin, we should realize that the fault lies solely with

          □ Barack Obama     □ Green New Deal      □ My cat       □ Dr. Fauci 

10)  I believe this unjust verdict will inevitably lead to

         □ Criminals destroying America       □ Massive riots destroying America       □ Socialism destroying America      □ Joe Biden’s dog destroying my cat and America with Jewish space lasers   

 

10 Irrefutable Pieces Of Photographic Evidence Proving That Democrats Stole The 2020 Election

With more states certifying their election results, and more losses piling up for Trump’s lawyers (and former NYC mayors pretending to be lawyers) in courts, it becomes more and more obvious that the election is being shamelessly stolen from Donald Trump. The amount of evidence proving voter fraud is staggering, overwhelming, and the evidence is absolutely damning, from graphs showing various suspicious red and blue lines to videos of people carrying some very fishy cardboard boxes somewhere. But this is just what is on the surface – here are 10 more recently uncovered pieces of evidence showing Democrats stealing (or conspiring to steal) the 2020 election from Donald Trump.

Arizona, November 1, 2020: A warplane is dropping packages of fraudulent mail-in ballots all over the vast deserts of Maricopa county. The communist red star on the tail and the number 47 (apparently, for the 47th president) on the cockpit make it ovbious that Kamala Harris is the one who is piloting the plane.

 

Detroit, Michigan, November 3, 2020: A voting booth set up specifically for those voters who had already voted and are now showing up to cast their second or third vote – because who else would go into a booth that already says “I Voted” unless they had already voted??? (Notice the man is wearing a mask to help circumvent the Voter ID rules)

 

Milwaukee, November 4, 2:42 AM: Magician David Copperfield is magically changing Trump ballots into Biden ballots using his powerful magic.

 

Venezuela, 2013, funeral of Hugo Chavez. A – ostensibly – Hugo Chavez’s casket is seen here. However, you can see it is closed from the public, proving that instead of Chavez’s body, it is very likely that the Venezuelan military is actually transporting a Dominion voting software server coded to steal the elections. In the top right, just behind the casket. you can clearly see Bernie Sanders and Joe Biden (in a white shirt)

 

 

Washington, DC, January 21, 2009: A crowd of at least 250,000 Democratic co-conspirators gets together to discuss their plans to steal the 2020 election.

 

A Democrat dressed as a sailor coming from Asia is kissing a nurse to transmit the coronavirus to a New York City health worker to exacerbate the Covid19 pandemic to make Trump administration look bad.

 

May 1947, Coney Island, New York: Nancy Pelosi (on the left, where else could she be), Chuck Schumer (on the right), and Mark Zuckerberg (center) are dropping baby Donald Trump on his head so that his brain wouldn’t develop properly and as a result, 73 years later he’d be constantly saying stupid crap that would be hurting his 2020 re-election chances.

 

Philadelphia, 1787: A bunch of liberal coastal elites gather together in a dark backroom to write out a bunch of stupid rules designed to prevent Donald Trump from winning the second term and even governing as he wishes during his first one.  Notice not one of these hypocrites is wearing a mask.

 

Bones of what is suspected to be an electoral fraud whistleblower from 4000 years ago. In the bottom, you can see that the presumed murderer left a rainbow LGBTQ sticker and what appears to be a piece of a Florida ballot, proving the murderer was a Democrat.

 

Mesopotamia (present day Iraq), 11,000 BT (Before Trump): Neolitic Iraqi terrorists invent agriculture, leading to the appearance of the first permanent human settlements, which eventually leads to  industrialization, urbanization, and eventual emergence of liberal stronghold (a.k.a., hotbeds of voter fraud) cities like Altanta, Detroit, and Philadelphia. Man, the Muslim ban was clearly put in place about 10,998 years too late.

10 Reactions To The Results Of The So-Called 2020 Election

“Hey, you, boy, can you write? Tremendous, get in now, I need more people to file lawsuits in Michigan. And take the lawnmower, I gotta shred some papers.”

The 2020 election took place two weeks ago, and… actually, it kind of is still in process: although all major media organizations have projected Joe Biden as the winner of the election and the next president, the current occupant of the Oval Office is claiming that massive voter fraud had robbed him of a victory he was owed. I mean, it is obviously inconceivable that a president who never got to even 50% approval rating and trailed in all polls could possibly lose an election amidst a worst pandemic plus a worst economic crisis in decades. So here are 10 reactions to how the election has been unfolding so far.

1)  Melania Trump, First Lady: “It sad that Donald presidency is end, but such is life and we must be best and move on. So I start look for younger and richer president now.”

2)  Vladimir Putin, President of Russia: “I am very disappointed in the results of the American election.  It turns out that our elite team of  hackers, due to a minor error in the computer code, had helped the wrong candidate. This is completely unacceptable, and the hackers responsible for such an unforgivable error will now be hacking trees in Northern Siberia or will be uploaded directly into the cloud.”

3)  Joe Biden, President-Elect:  “I hope Donald Trump will accept his loss and will give my upcoming administration a chance to have a successful transition. In return, I would be happy to give Donald Trump a chance to fly out to any country that does not have an extradition treaty with the US.”

4)  Donald Trump, President-Unelect: “I WON! VOTER FRAUD!!!! My people have tons of evidence of voter fraud, tremedous piles of evidence, it is unbelievable! We will release it right away, maybe even next week, right after my tax returns!!!”

5)  Jeff Zucker, CEO of CNN:  “I, ugh, got this weird unsigned note promising to pay me $130,000 if CNN keeps quiet about who won the 2020 election.”

6)  Mitch McConnell, Senate Majority leader: “So what we see here is that a candidate has won an election, but a sitting president is refusing to concede and give up the power. See, Biden isn’t president yet, and he’s already turning our country into Venezuela!”

7)  Stormy Daniels, former Acting First Lady: “As I had told Trump that time before, he shouldn’t really get that upset about this, it’s actually quite common for a man his age to lose an election.”

8)  Mike Pence, Vice President: “This is just not possible for Mr. President to have lost this election. After all, Donald Trump has singlehandedly created millions of jobs, and that’s just the lawyers demanding recounts, audits and delays!”

9)  Rudy Giuliani, star of Borat 2 movie: “We’re filing lawsuits, many lawsuits, lawsuits against the media,Wisconsin, Founding Fathers, Sharpie pens, the Post Office, math, voting machines, Four Seasons Total Landscaping, hair dye, and Hugo Chavez!!”

10)  Tampa Bay Rays: “Considering the circumstances, we now refuse to concede our team’s loss to the LA Dodgers in the 2020 World Series until all homeruns have been recounted and umpire calls have been certified.”